david walliams what the fuck
thoughts

4 Things Wrong with this Anti-Gay Marriage Ad (other than the obvious)

I generally try to have lowkey Sundays. You know, sit in the sun. Have some green tea while listening to Spotify and reading Time or The Economist. But sometimes the universe conspires against you to make sure your Sunday just tests you – case in point, the following ‘ad’ that was printed in MaltaToday:

gay marriage in malta

Let’s just take a minute to let this one sink in. Ready? Okay, time to break this down and take a look at what’s wrong with this ad – other than the fact that someone actually felt inclined to make an ‘ad’ like this. 

1 | It’s Total Bullshit

We’ve known each other for a while now, ladies and gents. You know I’m not one to mince my words (as hard as I may try for the sake of propriety). I’m a big reader, and I have to say that it’s truly a rare thing to find such a strong, pungent concentration of murky toilet-water as this. I don’t think this ad homophobic rant is representative of all the Catholics in Malta – just the ones who like to use the faith as something to hide behind while they’re peddling their existing hateful views.

homophobia in malta

Oh, and a word of advice to the wannabe Donald Draper who typed this thing out: saying ‘we respect everyone’ followed with ‘but’ a couple of sentences later is basically a way of saying, “forget everything I just said, it’s time to get to what I actually think. F*ck all of y’all.”

2 | It was Printed

Someone actually received this nonsense and said, “yep, this is something I think my publication should print. I like what this says about my newspaper. This is totally fine. Giving these people a platform for their hate-mongering is exactly the kind of thing I can do to make the world a better place today.”

gay marriage malta

What is wrong with people? Are we that greedy and so hard-up for cash that printing something like this is a fair trade-off? Isn’t there some sort of ethical issue here? Isn’t it irresponsible of a publication like this one to print something that just makes hateful people feel justified in their venomous views? I have a lot of questions.

3 | Marriage is…

Who the actual f*ck gave you zealots the right to decide what marriage is? Why can’t we just celebrate love instead of concerning ourselves with the gender of the people doing the loving? The world can be a dark, dank place, so excuse me if I think we should just be happy about the fact that people still have the hope and romance to believe in a ‘happily forever after’. Marriage is a promise two people make in front of their nearest and dearest. It’s a celebration of love and an oath symbolising that those people standing up in the nice outfits are going to do their damnedest to love each other like Kanye loves Kanye (and maybe even more). Your personal views on what marriage ‘is’ should never be imposed on anyone else. So mind your own business.

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4 | The Other N-Word

And by that I mean ‘natural’ versus ‘unnatural’. My coffee is in desperate need of a re-fill so I’ll make this one super easy to understand:

Natural (adjective)
existing in or derived from nature; not made or caused by humankind.
Examples: The Niagara Falls; Widnet il-Baħar; a beautiful sunset; my love for gin and tonic; heterosexual as well as homosexual relationships between living things.
Unnatural (adjective)
not existing in nature; artificial; man-made.
Examples: My make-up’d face as it appears on Instagram; the colour of my nails right now; the institution of marriage; the law; the Eurovision; Kinnie. 
Sorted? Sorted.
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Oh, and on the off-chance that the person who penned this full-page piece of garbage happens to come upon my distinctly unnatural blog, here’s another word I’ve taken the liberty of finding for you:
what does salty mean
Used in a sentence: “Stop being a salty bigot and let people love other people, get married, and have a damn party. Preferably with a considerably strong open bar.”
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Happy Sunday.*
-Kelly
*Only applicable to those who don’t go around chastising politicians while trying to take the moral high ground via a full-page homophobic rant. Grazzi. 
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Funny

10 Things Women in Malta are Sick of Hearing

While I’m pretty sure there are more than 10 things that women on this little bit of the Mediterranean are tired of dealing with, we needed to keep things concise for the sake of practicality. And for the sake of my own sanity.

This post was inspired by some ridiculously sexist comments made by a certain Maltese “blogger” who thought it was a good idea to ridicule a woman for having body hair because, well, she’s a member of the opposition. Yes – body shaming is now a tactic being used by a blogger on our “feminist” government’s payroll. Using our taxes. Anyway, on to the post!

1 | “Women should shave their [insert body part here].”

things women are tired of hearing

Why? Why is someone else’s body hair your concern? Why do you think it’s okay to ridicule or judge a person for making a personal choice about their own body? It’s basically like going to someone’s house and insulting their choice of decor because it’s not to your taste. By all means, do whatever you want with your body, but keep your feelings about other people’s body hair to yourself. It’s plain rude.

2 | “Ladies don’t swear.”

Why the fuck not? Does it clash with your established and antiquated notions of femininity? Does it displease you? Does it reduce my chances of finding a man? WILL I LOSE MY DOWRY? Shit, I seem to have wandered out of the kitchen again. Sincerest fucking apologies.

things women are tired of hearing

3 | “Aw koxxa! Aw gisem!Aw sex! Very nice eh swijt! etc.”

Translation: CATCALLS OF ANY KIND

I wish I knew who invented The Catcall. What do they expect? They call us something gross and we’ll turn around, pink-cheeked and feverish with desire, to say: “Yes! This is the man I have been looking for! Get out of that passenger seat and ravish me, good sir!” THIS. NEVER. HAPPENS. Sometimes, they even slow the  car down and drive  alongside you as you try to ignore them. Yeah, that’s not creepy at all.

things women are tired of hearing

4 | “U iva, take it as a compliment.”

I’m sorry, what? If being catcalled on my way  to work was a compliment, I’d take it as one. This, however, is harassment. Being told to take that sort of thing as a compliment is the same dangerous mentality that gets drummed into girls when they’re still in primary school: “Oh honey he’s being mean because he likes you!” This is not what we should be teaching girls because it increases the risk of them accepting unacceptable behaviour later on in life. “He’s being mean because he likes you” isn’t that far away from “he hits me because he loves me”. Cut that bullshit.

things women are sick of hearing

5 | “Jaqaw it’s that time of the month?”

Are we still saying this in 2017?

things women are tired of hearing

6 | “You look prettier when you smile!”

And you look cuter when you stop giving me tips on how to be more visually appealing to the masses. If you want me to smile say something funny so I can ugly-laugh and make that snorty noise while I do it. Also this is how my face is by default so I can’t help it.

things women are tired of hearing

7 | “That’s way too much make up, I prefer a more natural look.”

Why didn’t you say so? If that’s what you like, we recommend a nude lip, some BB cream with SPF in it, a hint of blush and a dash of mascara. Oh, you were talking about how you prefer your women? Never mind.

things women are tired of hearing

8 | “You look like a slut./Qisek qaħba.”

I wrote a whole article entitled What Does a Slut look like? recently. If you don’t have time to read that, just refer to the gif below.

mean girls slut

9 | “Well, what were you wearing? How much did you drink? Did you lead him on? Did you say no? Why were you walking home alone?”

These kinds of questions are often hurled at rape victims or victims of some kind of sexual harassment in rapid succession. Unfortunately, this victim-blaming culture and refusal to understand the notion of sexual consent is still going strong in Malta. If a girl gets raped, why is she being asked about what she was wearing? Are there clothes that allow or justify rape? The answer is ‘fuck no’. Rather than ‘don’t get raped’, the message needs to be ‘DON’T RAPE’.

things women are tired of hearing

10 | [Any sort of attempt to control women’s reproductive rights]

Especially when that attempt involves refusing to sell or stock emergency contraception based on bullshit ‘conscientious grounds’.

things women are tired of hearing


-Kelly

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egrant michelle muscat
Adult Life, Funny

5 Ways to React to Daphne’s Egrant Bombshell

Ah, Malta. Sometimes I feel like our relationship is a lot like the Eurovision song On Again Off Again by legendary duo Julie and Ludwig. I love the tan you give me over the summer months, but hate the sticky humidity and general BO that washes over the island; I love your history and rich cultural past, but hate the unbridled construction and simmering racism I still see; I love the Maltese countryside, but hate how little we do to protect it.

But right now, most importantly, I hate the way we do politics in Malta, but I love the laughs (sometimes nervous ones, in desperation) we get out of our situation. The Panama Papers scandal was a huge deal, but our government pretty much failed to do anything about it. Enter journalist Daphne Caruana Galizia, who has been building up to what I call the PanaBomb all week, and finally dropped a big one on us today. How do we react? What do we do? Luckily, we have gifs for every occasion thanks to, well, the internet.

1 | “I knew it!” / “Għidtilkom jien!”

The ones who ‘had a feeling’ this was coming all along, and have been telling you for aaaaages (or since DCG dropped that massif hint the other day). Anyway, they’re pretty pleased they called it. Give ’em a bit of figolla.

panama papers michelle muscat egrant

When you know they’re lying because you’re about to serve up some screenshots.

2 | The Stoics

These guys won’t be phased. They’ve become hardened to the harsh reality of the political world, and can’t be shaken by this latest revelation. Well, either that, or they’re sick of hearing about it and just want to enjoy the rest of Skjetti in peace.

panama papers michelle muscat egrant

3 | Tistgħu tgħiduli x’inhu jiġri hawnekk?

Translation: Can you tell me what’s going on here? 

These are the ones who either aren’t bothered, aren’t interested, or are just plain oblivious to the world around them. Let them carry on enjoying life without the oily shadow of corruption hanging over their lives (che drama!), or give them a brief summary.

panama papers egrant

4 | MADONNA MADONNA, NO!

These people are panicking, and probably pretty devastated by the news. That being said, they also probably had secret accounts and were recently exposed on a certain journalist’s blog. This is a minority group. Nothing to see here.

madonna madonna no

5 | The Ones in Denial

So what if there’s evidence? It’s all lies. All of it. Everything. Nope. Mich and JoJo wouldn’t do this to us, would they? Our PM and his wife wouldn’t screw the country over like that, right? Not the people who voted for them, at least? SAY IT AIN’T SO!

panama papers michelle muscat egrant

BONUS: The Ones Who Were in Transit 

egrant michelle muscat


Well, ladies and gentlemen, what can I say? Grab a cup of tea and what’s left of your Easter goodies and watch the Maltese drama unfold.

-Kelly

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Adult Life, Funny, thoughts

5 Things Maltese Atheists are Tired of Hearing

As our charming yet construction-ridden slice of the Mediterranean is dragged kicking and screaming into the 21st century (barely), atheists  in Malta feel that they can be a little more open about their views, both online and in their day-to-day lives. I should probably take a minute to clarify my understanding of the term ‘atheist’ here, just to avoid any confusion:

atheist (noun)
  1. a person who disbelieves or lacks belief in the existence of God or gods. Not particularly a fan of Satan either.

I’m not entirely sure if you experience something similar where you’re from, but here in Malta saying you’re an atheist is basically like saying ‘I just sacrificed a goat to Beelzebub before coming over’, and you get the look. That being said, non-believers all over the island have to deal with some pretty ridiculous questions and comments – and those questions make for some pretty good laughs. When you’re done weeping for humanity, that is.

1. Imma…your parents know? 

Translation: “But…do your parents know?” 

Wait, is this even any of your business? Why shouldn’t they know? Will they disown me? The fact this is an actual ‘concern’ is a concern.

things atheists tired hearing house of cards

2. But how can you have morals without religion?

Look buddy, if you need to be afraid of an omnipotent figure and the threat of eternal damnation to put you off killing people, then there are bigger things to worry about than someone’s atheism. Having morals and being a good person is more about how your parents raise you and who you are than just doing it to avoid hell. Hell – also known as the place kids are taught to be terrified of. The one with the fiery abyss. You know the one.

the office things atheists tired of hearing

3. Aren’t you worried you might go to hell?!

This is awkward because you need to believe in heaven and hell to be concerned about the matter…

hades disney funny

4. Why don’t you come to my prayer group?

I appreciate the offer – but no thank you. Because you don’t see me recruiting you into my (non-existent) atheist group. Let’s go have some tea instead.

tea gif atheists

5. Ara tgħidx lin-nanna ta!

Translation: “Don’t you dare tell your grandmother!”

God forbid you should tell your adorable grandmother/aunt/in-laws/5th cousin twice removed/Joey tal-ħaxix that you’re a heathen. (See what I did there?)

i am lord voldemort gif atheists malta

That’s all from me for today, folks. Remember – no matter what your views on religion/atheism are, remember that they’re your views. Don’t try to force it on other people, and don’t be a hypocrite.

-Kelly

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